Remember that episode of “I Love Lucy” where she totally gets wasted on Vitameatavegamin? Poor Ricky is really embarrassed but Lucy is super excited cause, well, she’s wasted.

REAL vitamins don’t do that. If they did, I would be the healthiest person I know. REAL vitamins taste like a subtle combination of horse urine and depression. And because I live in the United States, it’s not like I have health care or anything. I can get a gun sooner than I can get medical attention.

So, in an effort to prevent some sort of unknown but unimportant illness (not any really illnesses of course, because there are no vitamins to take if I’m fucking hit by a car, contract gonorrhea, or even get pink eye), I have become a vitamin trafficker of sorts. My stash (visuals above) includes:

1) 2 Calcium Pills - This shit will only help me if it contained some sort of titanium alloy and prevented all of my bones from breaking. Forever. The second some hipster motherfucker runs me down on his ‘vintage/piece of shit’ Bianchi the lights are out.

2) 4 St. John’s Wart Herbal Supplements - Because REAL depression can only come in pairs. And I take 2 pairs, daily.

3) 1 Multi-Vitamin - Remember when you would take your Taco Bell cup and put every fountain soda in it? It tasted like shit but you did it cause your fucking cool? This is the vitamin equivalent to that. Do I feel healthier? No. But at least I can tell people to piss off when they tell me I should be taking vitamins.

4) 2 Chewable Vitamin C Tablets - Vitamin C and Jesus must own a condo together in Soho cause people act like this shit is really something. I’ve been taking it for months and all it seems good for is making everything taste like orange flavored chalk. I’ve still got the sniffles from November.

Thank God for cheap whiskey (for the pain) and black market antibiotics (for the green, milky, discharge of course).

While seductively chatting with a boy the other day, he asked me exactly what my New Year’s Resolutions were gonna be this year. I enthusiastically replied: ” To live the dream”.

Apparently, that wasn’t specific enough, and I was berated for not having any “real” New Year’s Resolutions.

And to that I say: FUCK THAT GUY! Asking someone about their New Year’s Resolutions is a fake question anyways. It’s on par with ” How’s the weather?” and “If he likes me so much, why hasn’t he called?” NOBODY REALLY CARES!!!!! And you usually lie anyway (or at least I do).

But, for all it’s worth, here are my really REAL resolutions (which are in order of importance):

1) Fuck loosing weight. I resolve to gain as much weight as possible so that I’ll know who my REAL friends are.
2) Go on The Maury Povich Show and accuse a stranger of being my babydaddy.
3) Kill a Bald Eagle.
4) Surgically reattach my hymen and reinstate my virginity.
5) Finally finish that novel I’ve been working on.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

(to REN: I kid, I kid)

Fuck giving thanks. I mean, yes, I’m thankful for being alive, having food in my stomach, hair on my head, yadda, yadda, yadda. But let’s be honest. Should I be thankful that I’m basically living in poverty? How about working for slave wages, 80 hours a week? Even better, the involuntary celibacy I find myself in? No, fuck all that. Instead, this Thanksgiving was more about learning. And by learning, I mean things like:

1) Apparently I am inappropriate. To the point of embarrassment.
2) Never make slave jokes in front of a group of white people. It makes everything awkward.
3) If your drunk at 6:00pm, just stay drunk. Don’t get sober and wig out.
4) No matter how much I try, water won’t turn into wine. Even if you wish it. Or pray it.
5) Single parenthood is not funny.
6) Mac and Cheese makes most illnesses go away. True story.

Knowing really is half the battle. Happy Holidays!

Ive got jungle fever, shes got jungle fever
Weve got jungle fever, were in love
Shes gone black-boy crazy, Ive gone white-girl hazy
Aint no thinking maybe, were in love
Shes got jungle fever, Ive got jungle fever
Weve got jungle fever, were in love
Ive gone white-girl crazy, shes gone black-boy hazy
Were each others baby, were in love

Stevie Wonder sang about it first. Spike Lee made a movie about it too. And we’ve all got it. You might have Jungle Fever, Brown Fever, Yellow Fever, or my personal affliction, White Nile Virus, but we all get a little hot for some particular ethnic booty. Yet sometimes we’re just not physically able to nab that ethnicity of our choice. Do you live in Kentucky but yearn for a little Latino spice in your life? Are you a Midwesterner who has yet to find that Nubian Goddess? Or maybe you have the access but feel like your tied down to vanilla. Or chocolate. Or chipotle. Well, either way, here are a few steps for getting your favorite flavor.

1) Acceptance is the First step to Recovery
It’s perfectly normal to have a preference. So you like Asian chicks? Say it loud and say it proud! I like the color red. Nobody cares. I’m not saying ONLY date your preference, I mean we all need a little variety. But if you prefer fried rice instead of white rice, more power to you.

2) Grow a Pair
Just do it. Don’t be afraid. Juan probably LOVES Irish chicks. Most likely, Dave wants to bone you too Shaniqua. And how much do you wanna bet Ming Lee can’t wait to get her hands on some Halal-loving Haseem?

3) Get Your Freak On!
I’m just sayin’. When it comes to multi-ethnic booty bumpin’, your representing your entire race. Step it up a notch.

4) Once You Go____, you Never Go Back
Fill in the blank. Whatever your blank is, it’s probably true.

5) Variety is Key
Don’t just stick to one ethnicity my friends. We’re a global society and should bone accordingly. Get your feet wet people! And some other stuff wet, if you’ve got the time.

Have Fun!

At the close of a historic election, today brings a bit of sadness to the great state of California. Proposition 8, the most outrageous piece of legislation to pass since the Patriot Act, has won by %52. The amendment revokes all Homosexual marriages in the state, and amends the California constitution to ‘protect marriage’ by defining if as between a man and women.

For the first time, however proud I am to be an American, I am ashamed to be a Californian.

As our future president has expressly said, the constitution was created to bring liberties to Americans, not take them away. And though I understand why hate legislature exists, it has no place on an actual ballot. It has no place on my constitution and it has no place in my state. As progressive as California is, collectively we have dropped the ball. This measure was pushed by Right-Wing Christian conservatives, all with lots of money and lots of time. Knowing minority turnout would be at the highest level in history and taking advantage of those communities religious beliefs. Blacks and Latinos were in the majority of those who voted yes on the proposition.

It is unfortunate, upsetting and most importantly, unconstitutional. This is the United States! And if Ellen DeGeneres has to give her wedding gifts back than so should every other Californian (I would do it, if I ever met the right guy)!!!! When our basic rights for love and companionship are revoked, then we must question what the hell our constitution was even written for.

We all long for change. We all believe in change. And we all know change is coming. It just can’t get here soon enough.

It’s finally here! Were you one of the many who voted early this morning? I turned on my television at 6:30 AM and there were already reports of people standing in long queues at polling stations. I love hearing about people voting in record numbers. If you are voting later in the day, here a few songs to listen to while you wait in line.

1. Prince - Delirious
2. Sleater-Kinney - Entertain
3. Death Cab For Cutie - We Have The Facts And We’re Voting Yes
4. The Mountain Goats - Woke Up New
5. Matt Costa - Songs We Sing
6. M. Ward and Zooey Deschanel - When I Get To The Border
7. TV On The Radio - Golden Age
8. Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
9. Jenny Lewis - The Next Messiah
10. The Thermals - Here’s Your Future
11. Bronsky Beat - Why
12. Laura Veirs - Wildwood Flower
13. The Arcade Fire - Windowsill

Download Zip File here. (Files will be available for download until 11/09/08)

Go out and vote. Let your voice be heard!

I can’t sleep.
In fact, I stay up at night staring at the wall.
When I do sleep, I wake up frightened and dripping in sweat.
I’m not suffering from some awful, can’t-afford-health-insurance-so-i’ll-never-know-what-it-is disease.
I’m suffering from Election Anxiety.
There are only 7 more days to go. I’ve spent 20 months watching, waiting, debating, arguing. At least 10 times a day I vent on whomever will listen to me. My mother, my sister, my friends. ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN!!!
I know I’m not the only person out there who wishes it was over already.

Say we lose. If November 4th rolls around, I cast my vote, go home, sleep until the morning comes. I turn on the news and McCranky and the Shewolf-Palin are the new leaders of the free world. OK. I’ll be a little depressed. Go back to bed. Maybe take the day off. But at least, in the back of my head, I will know that the great Democracy (with a capital D) choose their fate. And that’s OK. But what scares me (and it should scare you too) is that like many elections (2000? Anyone?), not everyones vote is counted. And if another election is Stolen (with a capital S), I might just move. Maybe to Sweden (where the real Commies are).

I’ve been through a lot this election. Obama’s a terrorist. Obama’s a socialist. Obama’s an elitist. I’ve gotten angry, obsessive, and a little unhinged. I mean, is this really a country where the ‘real’ Americans seem to only exist in “tiny pockets” (her words, not mine) of Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida. Does my latte-drinking, San Francisco born, liberal, baby-killing ideology mean that my vote shouldn’t count. I’m a citizen. You can check my birth certificate.

So I’ve turned off Fox News. I watch Keith Olbermann and The Daily Show. And when I do watch, I’ve decided to watch alone. I’ve even stopped speaking to certain co-workers just in case I go off the edge and hurt someone.

I’ve never wished for November 4th to come sooner. But of course, when that day comes, I’ll be wishing on a star for November 5th.