Like most New Yorkers, I live under a rock. And by rock, I mean I care very little about things outside of a good party and my morning commute. This a shitty way to live - but it’s just what happens. And I am also the sort of New Yorker who got here from some much cleaner, and much warmer, far off distant land. But fuck all that. Like the great phony I am, I also pine for days I never knew. When the meat-packing district had people packing meat. And packed more tranny prostitutes than you could shake a finger at. And that’s why my cold little heart weeps when I read things like this:

Yes. A TFI Friday’s will be opening up in Union Square. Officially putting a mini Times Square in the way of my morning commute. M*TH**R F***K*S!!!!

The following sentence will probably never land me in the pages of American Vogue: If Anna Wintour and Carine Roitfeld were dangling off of a cliff, and I could only save one of them, believe me I would let Wintour fall. I LOVE French Vogue. Can I read it? HELL NO! And I am not a francophile in any significant way. I love French Vogue the way I love cheese fries: it is excellent!

So tell me, what the hell were Roitfeld and Mr. Steven Klein (who has been on his game recently) thinking when they let this bit of crap fall through the illustrious cracks of Vogue?

I’m usually the first to call bullshit on false controversy, but I will give the blogosphere and even CNN a little leeway on this. I’m not only offended because the images are, you know, of a Dutch chick made to look black. And not painted BLACK. Painted dark brown, like a skin color. But she could of been painted yellow for all I care - to be honest, the images are uninspired at best and for my $10 I expect a little bit more. But what is really annoying is that in context, this was the Supermodel issue, with not 1 model of color in the bunch. Yes. For real! To quote the French: the more things change, the more things stay the same.

Maybe I’ll let both of those bitches fall.

I went to the Louvre. What the hell did you do?

London

You don’t have to be sleeping with George Clooney to get tickets to the London Film Festival (October 14 - 29) - but I do encourage it. For the regular peeps, matinées start at a measly £7 and most shows that are billed as fully booked sell a few remaining tickets 30 minutes prior to the show. Skip the bologna ( flicks like ‘Persecution’ and ‘Taking Woodstock’) and grab the real meat ( dark and absurdly funny stuff like Todd Solondz’s ‘Life In Wartime’ or scary Oz-type shit like ‘A Prophet’ by Jacques Audiard). From the line up, most of the best films look dark, morbid, and depressing, but I say soak up all the bleakness and wallow in it - better to do it with movies than margaritas. Maybe.

New York

The New Museum (oh you know you loves it) has two pretty great exhibits out. The first, “Emory Douglas: Black Panther” takes black power to the max, showing Douglas’ best Panther propaganda. The other - “Dorothy Ianonne: Lioness” is all super sexy erotic illustrations that look like they came right out of a comic book written by a caveman. Both retrospectives end October 18 but the best part: entry to the New Museum is free this Saturday (September 26). Prefer to think outside the box? The New York Electronic Art Festival (from September 28 to October 28) has got the city in a techno death grip for the next month. With concerts at Roulette and art exhibitions across town you should be warned: this isn’t just for light-stick wielding candy kid ravers. The festival is also for serious art and technology junkies so you can leave your pacifiers at home.

San Francisco

You know how in the far reaches of Toronto, Cannes, and London, people are watching the most amazing movies ever made ever? Well fuck it. At The Dark Room (www.darkroomsf.com) down on Mission Street, for $5 their Sunday Bad Movie Night takes all the pretensions out of things like “film making” and “well made cinema”. This Sunday geek out with cheesiest of student-teacher lovefests “The Dead Poet’s Society” but please, try not to lick the screen when you see the young and supple Ethan Hawke flexing his - brain. And, in observance of the Halloween Holiday, they’re showing some of the best vampire classics of modern times including: ‘30 Days of Night’, ‘Queen of the Damned’, and ‘Twilight’. Popcorn’s free. Bring your own flask.

Kate & Jon plus Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah, Hope, Joel. Equals too much time on your hands if you know who these people are.

Continuing in the wake of the 574 magazines that have folded since last year, Vibe magazine announced its closure Tuesday June 30. After almost 16 years being one of the top Urban Music magazines they are closing their publishing doors. This is a huge blow for music, hip hop, writers, journalists, photographers, and the whole Vibe readership. Quincy Jones, the founder of Vibe is ready to take back the magazine and give it the second chance it deserves. He’s bringing it back to life. ” I’m trying to buy my magazine back now,  They just messed my magazine all up, but I’m gonna get it back. You better believe it, I’m'a take it online because print and all that stuff is over.”  He told Ebonyjet. Hopefully they can get it right, because Vibe magazine is a huge leader in the hip hop culture and it shouldn’t be stopped.

-Jessica Pages

Coming next month to the lower-east side, a cheap alternative to the little  Vegas Wedding Chapels complete with ordained Universal Life Church ministers. Ceremonies are completely customizable. You can have live internet-streaming of your special day to friends and family who can’t make it, if you  have no one special in your life and are sad and alone but have always wanted to get married you can even rent a bride or groom. For those of you too afraid of commitment or too sober you can have a mock-ceremony, no strings attached. Las Vegas quickie weddings just got a lot classier.

Wedding Chapel will open on Friday July 10th and run until Sunday
July 26th, but dates can be extended if enough interest exists.

-Jessica Pages

‘Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage’.

- President Barack Obama

Congratulations to our new 44th President! Michelle better be givin’ it up tonight!

While I was watching some super, spectacular, inauguration hoopla today, I stumbled upon a picture of a protester with a sign declaring : “HOMO SEX IS A SIN. “

I thought about this long and hard (no pun intended) and came up with a pretty solid conclusion. Our great Nation has two great obsessions : SIN and SEX. However, generally, I think sex is the winner. Whether it’s of the homo variety or not, people can’t stop thinking about boning (even in the dead of a D.C. winter, exclaiming that their sex obsession is for God and Country).

So, in honor or this very special inauguration day, I thought I would round up a list of very special words I recently learned. Some are of the Homo Sex variety (Woohooo!) and some are of the Straight and Nasty variety (Wassup!), and since the real definition of inauguration means to usher in a new era I’m thinking that these definitions should be ushered in as well:

Queening: The act (usually undertaken by a woman) of sitting on a man’s head as though it might be a throne.

Pegging: The act of a female penetrating a male’s anus with a strap-on dildo.

Lipple: To use one’s lips to suck a nipple.

Bangover: A state of exhaustion due to sexual indulgence during the previous night.

Santorum: 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

2. Senator Rick Santorum

DP: The penetration of more than one orifice on a person.

Little Man in the Boat: The clitoris.

Vart: To expel air from the vagina.

Beet Cheeks: To engage in coitus. Term implies rear-entry - that is, “doggy style.”

Laying Down the Bone : To have sexual relations with someone.

AC/DC: Bisexual (from an appliance that can operate with both alternating and direct currents)

Jennifer: Is that Bitch Crazy?

So next time someone wants to explain to you why exactly homo sex is a sin, (and in turn ruin your special day) I suggest you give them what they are really asking for, which is most likely a pegging partner! And sorry for the pic of my BFF Rush Limbaugh. I was thinking of a new word for ‘DILDO’ and his face suddenly appeared.

Happy Inauguration Day!